You are the one who knows what she says about the stairs, the car, the neighbor who drops by, and which afternoons she wants company. You pass it along. Somewhere in the chain, though, the conversation about her life has started happening without her in it, and you may not have noticed when it began.
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What the problem looks like from the inside
The plan often gets set in a phone call between the siblings. Mom hears the result after it is settled, usually as a fact: the aide starts Monday, or you are going to the new doctor. Each decision might be sensible on its own. The trouble is that she was never asked, so every change feels like something being done to her rather than something she chose.
How to tell you have it
Check these honestly, looking back over the last month:
Did she learn about a change from you, rather than from the person who made it? Could you say, in her own words, what she wants for the next three months? When a sibling proposes a plan, does anyone ask her first, or does the question go to you? Do you find yourself reshaping her answers so they fit what the family already decided? If two or three of those are yes, the plan belongs to the family, and she is only being informed.
What to check and ask
Write down what she has told you she wants, in her own words wherever you can remember them. Keep it on one page that any sibling can open, so the list does not live only in your head.
Ask her directly, in private and without a sibling on speaker. Keep the list short: what matters most about where she lives, which helpers she is comfortable having in the house, what she would hate to give up, and which decisions she would be fine letting the family make without her. Let her answers be the first item on the agenda.
Ask each sibling whether they heard her answers from her or from you. The answer tells you who is working from her words and who is working from your summary.
Before any change goes live, ask who will tell her and who will check back with her a week later. If nobody has that job, add it to the list.
When she picks something the family cannot back
She may choose something the family thinks is costly or risky. Your job is to make her choice and its tradeoffs visible, and to write down which parts the family can cover and which parts it cannot. If the family cannot support her choice, say so in the notes, give the reason, and bring it back to her. Quietly overriding her is the moment the plan stops being hers.
Where to start
If the list above has more yes answers than no, begin with a conversation with her, not with the group text. The siblings can wait a day for her answers. If you want the rest of the set in order, the start here page lays out where to go next.