For the sibling who does almost all of it
Who pays for Mom? Who drives? Who covers Tuesday night?
Three questions a family can answer once somebody writes them down. Here is the page to write them on, and eighteen entries on the fights that follow.
Tonight
Before you answer the group text
Not a plan for the rest of her life. Four small moves that make tomorrow's conversation about facts.
- 1
Do not reply yet
A midnight message becomes the thing everyone argues about. Save the draft; reread it after you sleep.
- 2
Write down this week
Every ride, pharmacy run, bill, call and night over in the last seven days, with the day and how long.
- 3
Find the one gap
The job that keeps landing on you because nobody is assigned: a morning, an evening, the overnight. That is line one.
- 4
Put a date on the meeting
Send a date, a place or call link, and a note that you will bring a one-page list. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests sending the agenda to everyone ahead of time.
Fear Mom is being hurt or neglected? Skip the meeting and call Missouri's Adult Abuse and Neglect Hotline, 1-800-392-0210, seven days a week from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m.
The fair-share worksheet
One page. Every job. A name on every line.
Print it or copy it onto a legal pad. Fill in the first two columns alone and the rest together at the meeting. A blank line is a job nobody has been assigned yet.
Mom's week, as line items
Week of Filled in by
| The job | How often | Whose name | Hours a week | Paid from: Mom, split or labor credit |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Drivesa car and a person | ||||
| Doctor and dental appointments | ||||
| Pharmacy pickups | ||||
| Groceries and errands | ||||
| Paysa bill or a receipt | ||||
| Which bills come out of Mom's account | ||||
| The receipts folder, kept and filed | ||||
| The monthly summary sent to everyone | ||||
| Repairs and upkeep on the house | ||||
| Covers hourssomeone in the house | ||||
| Weekday mornings | ||||
| Evenings and dinner | ||||
| Overnight | ||||
| Weekends | ||||
| Paperworka login, a hold line or a signature | ||||
| Bank and POA statements, shared | ||||
| Insurance and Medicare phone calls | ||||
| Program or VA forms, if any | ||||
- Read the jobs aloud, top to bottom, before anyone says a name.
- Each person claims the lines they can really do. Distance excuses the driving, not the phone calls.
- Write declined next to a refused line. Do not argue it tonight.
- What is still blank goes to paid help, a program, or the next meeting.
No dollar amounts, on purpose: this desk publishes no prices it cannot source. For the ways families divide the bill, read the entry on splitting the cost.
When a line stays blank
What paid help at home looks like on this page
Non-medical help is not a verdict on who failed. It fills a line so one sibling is not the plan for every hour.
A set morning or evening each week. The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that with an agency, screening, hiring, pay and taxes are handled through the agency.
Missouri's health department describes private duty care as care in shifts, with no physician order needed for an aide giving personal care, respite or companion care.
The National Institute on Aging says respite care may last anywhere from a few hours to several weeks, and can happen at home, in a health care facility, or at an adult day care center.
The ledger of entries
Eighteen entries, sorted by the fight you are having
Your side on the labor, neutral on the people, every grievance a line item.
The money
How to split the cost of caring for elderly parents between siblings
Who pays for Mom? The four ways families actually split it, and the ledger that keeps it honest.
The moneyCan I get paid to take care of my mother in Missouri? What is real in 2026
Consumer Directed Services, a personal care agreement, and the two VA programs, in plain words, with the gatekeepers named.
The moneyShould the sibling who does the care get paid? The family can say yes. Three doors decide if the money is real.
A family yes is not a paycheck. Three doors, and a thirty-day hours log while you wait.
The moneyA caregiver agreement between siblings: write the jobs, the hours, and the money first
Two papers get confused. Write the jobs, the hours, and the money first. Then sign. A signed page beats a group text.
The moneyKeeping track of money spent on an elderly parent, for siblings who will ask later
One account, one folder, one monthly summary to everyone. What to keep, and why it protects the caregiver most of all.
The moneyHow to ask siblings for money for Mom's care: send the invoice, not the plea.
Send the invoice, not the plea. One monthly page, one specific bill, one date.
The moneySiblings fighting over Mom's money and her care? Close the thread. Open a ledger.
Two fights glued together. Split them. Close the thread. Open a ledger. One monthly page, and a chair who is not you.
The time
How to divide caregiving tasks among siblings when fair is not equal
A task inventory matched to distance, time, money and skill. The out-of-town sibling gets the phone jobs and the money jobs.
The peopleIs it fair to expect the sibling who lives closest to do everything? Geography is not a job.
Closest is a fact of geography, not a volunteer form. Map every job as body, phone, or money.
The peopleMy sister does nothing for Mom and I do everything. Put the hours on a page.
A two-week hour log, one page she has to read, one job with her name on it, and what to do when she still will not.
The peopleYour siblings will not help with Mom. Stop waiting. Start assigning.
The sibling who will not is a blank line, not a mystery. Write the week, send one job with a day, cover the gap.
The peopleMy brother says put Mom in a home and I say no. Decide the next 30 days, not the rest of her life.
Stop arguing the rest of her life. Inventory this month, name what Medicare will not pay, and run a 30-day trial of help at home.
The family conversation
How to have a family meeting about aging parents that does not blow up
The Family Caregiver Alliance agenda, adapted for a family that mostly talks in a group text.
The meetingHow do families decide who takes care of Mom? They write the week, then they put names on it.
Families that decide without a list are not deciding. They are drifting. Write the week, then put names on it.
The peopleYour brother thinks Mom is fine and won't pay for help. Show him. Do not tell him.
Replace opinions with a dated list, a shared folder, and one weekend where he is the one on duty.
The peopleThe sibling with power of attorney won't share information. Here is what the paper actually says.
What a power of attorney does and does not entitle an agent to, and what the rest of you can reasonably ask for.
The peopleResentment toward siblings who leave you with Mom is a list, not a personality.
The heat is an unwritten list. Put hours and dollars on one page, then give the feeling ten minutes with a timer.
St. LouisElder law attorney, mediator, or Aging Ahead: St. Louis help when siblings disagree about Mom's care
Where families go when the meeting fails: the agency that already exists for this, a mediator, a lawyer, and a neutral referee.
A name for the blank line.
Some lines will not get a family name, however fair the meeting. Tell New Plan Care Solutions which ones, and they will talk through covering them. Your family still decides who pays.
New Plan Care Solutions is independently owned and operated in St. Louis by Stacie Postol. Non-medical support at home across St. Louis and St. Charles counties: routines and personal care, companionship, meals, errands, and respite for the relative covering everything. Caregivers are background-checked, and support can start with a few hours.
It is the only provider featured here, and the guides on this site are educational, not medical advice.
St. Louis help
Who to call when the family is stuck
Each number was read on the organization's own page on September 12, 2026.
Aging Ahead
Area agency on aging for St. Louis, St. Charles, Franklin and Jefferson counties.
(800) 243-6060St. Louis Area Agency on Aging
For a parent inside the city limits. Weekdays, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
(314) 612-5918Missouri Senior Resource Line
Enter Mom's ZIP code and it transfers you to her local agency.
1-800-235-5503In-home services referral (HCBS)
The first step for Missouri's home and community based services.
1-866-835-3505Missouri Bar Legal Resources Line
When the fight is about a power of attorney or a contract.
573.636.3635Adult Abuse and Neglect Hotline
If you fear Mom is being hurt or neglected. Daily, 7 a.m. to 8 p.m.
1-800-392-0210More, including mediation: the local help page.
What sisters ask about brothers, money and Mom
My brother lives in Dallas. Does he really owe hours, or just money?
Both are possible. Distance takes him off the driving lines, not off the worksheet: phone calls and paperwork travel. If he cannot give time, he can cover a share of paid hours.
Can I get paid for what I already do for Mom in Missouri?
Sometimes, and it depends on Mom's eligibility, not a family vote. Missouri's home and community based services begin with a referral at 1-866-835-3505.
My sister has power of attorney and won't show us the statements. What can I do?
Ask in writing for a regular summary. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau publishes guides for people named in a power of attorney to manage money for someone else. If the answer is still no, ask an attorney.
How do we split the cost when we don't all earn the same?
Mom's own money first, then a split chosen out loud: equal, by income, or credit for hours worked. Any of those is fair if it is written down.
What if the meeting blows up anyway?
Stop, set the next date, and bring in someone neutral. The Missouri Bar describes mediation as a non-binding process in which a neutral person helps the parties communicate as they explore options.