Entry 07 of 08 · The money

Keeping track of money spent on an elderly parent, for siblings who will ask later

One account, one folder, one monthly summary to everyone. What to keep, and why it protects the caregiver most of all.

Keeping track of money spent on an elderly parent for siblings is not bookkeeping. It is insurance, and the person it insures is you. The daughter who does the pharmacy runs, pays the plumber on her own card, and moves money between Mom's accounts to cover the aide is the one who gets asked, eighteen months later, in a lawyer's office or a group text, where it all went. This page is the answer to that question, built before anyone asks it. One account, one folder, one monthly summary to everyone. It is not complicated. It just has to be done every month.

One account

Mom's money moves through Mom's account, and only Mom's. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's guide for family members handling a relative's money puts the rule in one line: never mix her money or property with your own or someone else's. The guide explains why in terms your sister will recognize: mixing money or property makes it unclear who owns what, and confused records can get you in trouble with the family and also with government agencies such as adult protective services and the police or sheriff. Its rules are specific: never deposit her money into your own or someone else's bank account, and avoid joint accounts. If you have been paying her bills from your card and reimbursing yourself, stop, and if you cannot stop yet, the CFPB says to keep receipts for the expense and maintain a good record of why, what, and when you paid yourself.

One folder

A physical folder or a shared one, it does not matter, as long as there is exactly one and every sibling can see it. What goes in it, following the CFPB's list for good recordkeeping:

• A running list of everything received or spent for Mom. The guide says to keep a detailed list of everything you receive or spend, including the amount of checks written or deposited, dates, reasons, and the names of people or companies involved.
• Every receipt, even the small ones. The CFPB's own example shows the size of the habit: write "$50, groceries, ABC Grocery Store, May 2" in your records soon after you spend the money.
• No cash, or a note for every cash. The guide says to avoid paying in cash, and not to use her ATM card to withdraw cash or write checks to "Cash". If cash was unavoidable, a dated note goes in the folder.
• The care invoices. An agency's monthly invoice is a dated receipt that reads the same to every sibling. Keep every one.
• A mileage log. Date, where, why, miles. Your Tuesdays are a line item whether or not anyone ever pays for them.
• Any agreement. A written split, the meeting notes where the family decided who pays what, and any personal care agreement, which the Family Caregiver Alliance says can offset potential confusion among family members concerned about bequests to heirs.

How long to keep it is a question for a tax preparer, and the folder is the reason that conversation will be short. The IRS allows a deduction for medical and dental expenses only to the extent they exceed 7.5% of adjusted gross income, and whether any of Mom's care qualifies, and on whose return, is exactly the kind of question that goes badly without receipts and well with them.

One monthly summary, to everyone

On the first of the month, one page goes to every sibling. It is not a plea and it is not a defense. It is the ledger: Mom's income in, her fixed bills out, care paid, what each sibling contributed in dollars and in hours, and the balance. The CFPB's advice to the person holding the money is that sharing information may help, and you might want to share any accountings you prepare or summaries of how you have spent her money. Do it before anyone asks. A summary nobody requested is a courtesy. A summary produced on demand looks like a confession.

Why does this protect the caregiver most of all?

Because the person with the most access is the person with the most exposure. The sibling who never touched Mom's money cannot be accused of anything. The one who did the shopping, paid the plumber and drove to the bank is the one who can, and eighteen months of memory is no defense against one line of "where did that go." A dated folder ends the conversation. The CFPB's guide is written for agents under a power of attorney, and it says that the power of attorney or state law may say that someone else can review your records to check up on you. Whether or not you hold that document, act as if someone will. Someone will.

What if my brother questions the home care bill?

Then the folder answers him. The invoice, dated. The shift it covered, by day and hour. The line on the inventory it replaced, with your name on it before and the aide's after. If he still calls it a waste, he can propose the alternative, in hours, with his own name on them, and the notes will record whether he does. Do not defend the bill in the thread. Send the page. This is also the strongest argument for an agency over an informal arrangement when the family cannot agree: an invoice is a receipt that says the same thing to everyone. New Plan Care, the paid placement on this site, is an independently owned non-medical in-home care company in Chesterfield; its invoice is one dated line the ledger can carry, and this site does not know or print what that line costs. Call (314) 405-0887 and ask.

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