Start here: five steps from the group text to a plan

You probably landed here after a hard night with your brother or your sister. Read these steps in order. Each one points to the entries that do the work, and none of them asks you to win the argument first. The whole path takes an evening to read and a couple of weeks to do.

1. Get the last two weeks onto paper

   Before you talk to anyone, write down what you did for Mom: the rides, the calls, the nights on her couch, with dates and minutes. My sister does nothing for Mom shows how to keep that log so it reads as hours, not as an accusation, and the entry on resentment explains why the anger is usually an unwritten list.

   Then copy the lines onto the fair-share worksheet on the front page.

2. Call a meeting, with an agenda

   How to have a family meeting that does not blow up covers who is invited, who chairs, and what goes on the one-page agenda. How families decide who takes care of Mom shows what to do once everyone is in the room: read the week aloud, then put names on it.

3. Divide the jobs by what each person can really do

   Fair is rarely equal. Dividing the tasks matches each job to distance, time, money and skill. The entry on the sibling who lives closest sorts jobs into body, phone and money work, and Your siblings will not help tells you what to do with a name that stays silent.

4. Settle the money in writing

   Start with how families split the cost, then set up the receipts folder and the monthly summary. When you need a share from someone, send the invoice, not the plea. If one of you is going to be paid, write the agreement first, and if the thread has already turned ugly, read the entry on fighting over Mom's money.

5. Decide about pay, paper and the bigger questions

   Getting paid to care for Mom in Missouri and Should the sibling who does the care get paid? separate a family yes from a real paycheck. The power of attorney entry explains what an agent owes the rest of you. For the far sibling, show him, do not tell him, and when someone wants to move Mom, decide the next 30 days first.

If the family is truly stuck

Some families do everything above and still cannot agree. That is not a failure of effort. It is the point where a neutral person helps more than another meeting. Elder law attorney, mediator, or Aging Ahead walks through the St. Louis options, and the local help page lists each office with the number printed on its own site.

What you will not find on this path

No verdict on which sibling is right, no prices, and no medical advice. When a question is about Mom's health, it goes to her doctor. When it is about a signature, a power of attorney or a court, it goes to an attorney. When it is about who drives on Thursday, it goes on the worksheet.

One box on this site is paid, and it says so every time: New Plan Care Solutions, a non-medical in-home care company that is a client of OwnersFirm, the publisher. Read how we write for the full disclosure.